Mental Illness
She's Crazy. She Has... Mental Illness. Mental Illness.Those two words
can send people screaming out of a room. Nobody wants to talk about it,
or worse, admit that they may suffer from it. Me? It's part of my life.
As much as waking up, going to sleep, eating and breathing are.
Depression? On board today? Check. Anxiety? You here? Check. Mania? Some
days, but that one is an infrequent visitor. My moods tend toward the
depressed, guilt laden, lay it on me, nobody likes you, you're ugly,
fat, crazy, those self-torture type of things. Most of the time, I can
keep the depression chick at bay long enough to cope and do the things I
need to. Anxiety though, that bitch is another story! I can't get her
to lay off without a war of epic proportion. Need to go to an
appointment? Ok, schedule it immediately, before I can find a way out of
it, or schedule it so far away that I can keep reminding myself, and
slowly convincing myself that it's ok, and I HAVE to go. Even then, last
minute panic and cancellations have been known to happen. I mean, what
if I wear the wrong outfit, or say the wrong thing, freak out and start
crying..........I never know if I can just get through the stress of a
face-to-face encounter. So, today? It's just one of those days, you
know, the ones where my brain won't shut up for just one minute. I feel
like there's a narrator in my head, rambling on all day long. Talking
about every move I make, everything I do, questioning,
judging........Some days it's not so bad, but sometimes, that negative
voice, the one that wants to remind me of everything I've ever done
wrong?-That chick drives me nuts. So, who am I, really. Truth? I have no
idea. Really,What I mean is, I change my mind, every day. Some days I
feel like just an old fashioned mom, who loves to do just that, be a mom
and wife, complete with the sewing and cooking, the whole old-fashioned
deal. Other days? Not so much. Those days I'd love to pack up a bag,
and hit the road, go to the beach, lay in the sun, sleep (SLEEP) and
forget that housework and homework even exist. Those days don't last
long though, and that mom-guilt can give me a good kick in the backside
when I take them. Yeah, can't shut her up-EVER. Why do we do that? Beat
ourselves up so much? Moms deserve days off-heck, we need them. Today
part of me is saying, pack that bag, get some sun, while my anxiety
laden brain says--what if there's people out there? See, I generally try
to find a quiet spot, alone, on the river, to sun, swim, whatever, but
as the hubster likes to remind me, what if something happens, there are
crazies out there, if nobody knows where you are, how will we find you?
1-Hello, I have enough anxiety for both of us, and someone else too and
2-Dang it, he's right. The world just isn't as safe as we'd like to
think, and a woman, alone, in the woods..........well, we all have seen
those stories. This is what my brain does on a daily basis. It talks me
into staying in the house, because hey, even walking the dogs means
exposing myself to people-people who could be dangerous, people who may
want to---gulp---talk to me! Or worse,yeah, there's those headlines, and
scary stories again. Still scared of those two words? Believe me, I'm
way more scared of you than you are of me...........
0
comments
