Mental Illness...................

Mental Illness

She's Crazy. She Has... Mental Illness. Mental Illness.Those two words can send people screaming out of a room. Nobody wants to talk about it, or worse, admit that they may suffer from it. Me? It's part of my life. As much as waking up, going to sleep, eating and breathing are. Depression? On board today? Check. Anxiety? You here? Check. Mania? Some days, but that one is an infrequent visitor. My moods tend toward the depressed, guilt laden, lay it on me, nobody likes you, you're ugly, fat, crazy, those self-torture type of things.  Most of the time, I can keep the depression chick at bay long enough to cope and do the things I need to. Anxiety though, that bitch is another story! I can't get her to lay off without a war of epic proportion. Need to go to an appointment? Ok, schedule it immediately, before I can find a way out of it, or schedule it so far away that I can keep reminding myself, and slowly convincing myself that it's ok, and I HAVE to go. Even then, last minute panic and cancellations have been known to happen. I mean, what if I wear the wrong outfit, or say the wrong thing, freak out and start crying..........I never know if I can just get through the stress of a face-to-face encounter. So, today? It's just one of those days, you know, the ones where my brain won't shut up for just one minute. I feel like there's a narrator in my head, rambling on all day long. Talking about every move I make, everything I do, questioning, judging........Some days it's not so bad, but sometimes, that negative voice, the one that wants to remind me of everything I've ever done wrong?-That chick drives me nuts. So, who am I, really. Truth? I have no idea. Really,What I mean is, I change my mind, every day. Some days I feel like just an old fashioned mom, who loves to do just that, be a mom and wife, complete with the sewing and cooking, the whole old-fashioned deal. Other days? Not so much. Those days I'd love to pack up a bag, and hit the road, go to the beach, lay in the sun, sleep (SLEEP) and forget that housework and homework even exist. Those days don't last long though, and that mom-guilt can give me a good kick in the backside when I take them. Yeah, can't shut her up-EVER. Why do we do that? Beat ourselves up so much? Moms deserve days off-heck, we need them. Today part of me is saying, pack that bag, get some sun, while my anxiety laden brain says--what if there's people out there? See, I generally try to find a quiet spot, alone, on the river, to sun, swim, whatever, but as the hubster likes to remind me, what if something happens, there are crazies out there, if nobody knows where you are, how will we find you? 1-Hello, I have enough anxiety for both of us, and someone else too and 2-Dang it, he's right. The world just isn't as safe as we'd like to think, and a woman, alone, in the woods..........well, we all have seen those stories. This is what my brain does on a daily basis. It talks me into staying in the house, because hey, even walking the dogs means exposing myself to people-people who could be dangerous, people who may want to---gulp---talk to me! Or worse,yeah, there's those headlines, and scary stories again. Still scared of those two words? Believe me, I'm way more scared of you than you are of me...........

Posted by ~Chavygirl at 6:46 AM 0 comments

Growing..........

Yes, here I am, about to turn "The Big 5-0" as they call it, and I still have so much growing up to do. There's so much still to learn. Somehow, I naively thought I 'd have life all figured out by this point in my life. I'm not even close. The more I try to find peace in my life, the more conflict seems to find me. Maybe that's how it works. As you try to find peace and fix old wrongs, things get rough, who really knows, but hopefully, it will all pass. To 'celebrate' my big momentous birthday, I decided to return to school, and have made the Dean's list in my first grading period-just a little "yay, me." As for who I am, still figuring that out too. I know this much, I believe in God, I believe we should all try to listen to that little voice in our head that says "this is right, this is not" and do not allow others to convince us to go against that, believe in your intuition always. Believe that you are worth it. Love your children, if you are blessed to have them, and always, always be honest, and accept nothing but honesty in return. These are all things I wish I'd known, or stuck by all my life, and am trying to fix now. Don't leave yourself a pile of old hurts to repair later in life, you never know if later will come.